If cats ruled the planet:
- Everything would be purrrrrfect.
- Sandboxes would be required every 100 feet.
- There would be no national bird symbols – as they have all been devoured.
- All sports teams must be called Cats, Wildcats, Pumas, Cougars, Bengals, Cheetahs, Jaguars, Lions, Tigers, Catamounts, Leopards. Snow Leopards, Mountain Lions, or Panthers. No whimpy bird names are allowed.
- The Meow Mix theme song would be the worldwide anthem and will be played purrpetually. No other song may be played – ever!
- Tweety Bird would be public enemy number 1; Jerry and Mighty Mouse numbers 2 and 3; Pixie and Dixie numbers 4 and 5.
- Twitter would be renamed “Putty-tats” and tweets would become cat-a-logues.
- Humans and dogs would exist solely to serve cats.
- Catalonia would be the official site of the world capital.
- There would be no disasters, only catastrophes.
- The three national sports would be hairball spitting, catnip swatting, and mouse dissection.
- Sleep would be the daily and nightly pastime.
- Children would receive presents at Christmas from Santa Claws.
- Monuments would be erected in each major city honoring Top Cat, Mr. Jinx, Tom, Sylvester, Snagglepuss, Felix, and the correct half of Cat-Dog.
- The term “dead cat bounce” would be outlawed and changed to “overpaid moron on Wall Street bounce.”
- The “Stray cat strut” would be the worldwide dance.
- Ignoring others, smugness, and an aloof attitude will be compulsory subjects in school.
- Declawing shall be outlawed – they make it easier to get our point across to our, oh so loyal, subjects. This mean YOU!
Rick Brown
