If sharks ruled the earth

• I thought they already did?
• The world would be a lot more chummy.
• Razor-sharp teeth would be a fashion statement for more than just vampires.
• Steven Spielberg would be required to change the conclusion Jaws and its sequels.
• Vampires wouldn’t be the only blood-thirsty ones running around.
• Being a loan shark would be an important honor.
• Vegetarianism and veganism would be outlawed.
• Drift nets would be banned (a good thing).
• The San Jose Sharks would have to play their hockey games in an aquarium to standing caudal fin only crowds.
• “Sink your teeth into that one” and “getting hammered” would have whole new meanings.
• Shark fin soup would be replaced by person toenail soup.
• Piranha’s would be made goodwill ambassadors.
• Everyone must drive a Barracuda or a Stingray.
• All vacations must be taken to a coral reef where guests are invited to be…ahem, for dinner.
• When our friends in the U.K. say the term “bloody” they will darn well mean it.
• “Shark Week” would be every week on the Discovery Channel.

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If songbirds ruled the planet

A little fun on this wet and windy Friday.

• Humming would be prohibited, unless you are a hummingbird.
• All “tweeting” would be required to have a melody
• Cats would be required to live only indoors and must be declawed and de-fanged.
• Spring migration could only start when it stays warm (in some places, this means never).
• Choir practice is mandatory starting one hour before sunrise and not concluding until sunset. No exceptions!
• Worms and flying insects are mandatory for breakfast – the earlier the better or the worms.
• Squawking is prohibited – we sing, not squawk.
• Birdman of Alcatraz and The Birds would be required entertainment.
• Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania must be renamed as Two-in-a-Bush.
• Being a bird brain would be a good thing.
• All feeders must be cleaned once a day so we don’t keep eating our own droppings – tasty as they are.
• The Navy and Air Force would be required to carry us across large bodies of water during migration so we do not have to flap our wings so damn much.
• Those who sing off-key will be forced to listen to endless duets by Michael Bolton and Roseanne Barr.

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How the heck does he do that?

Those of you who have been reading Progressive Blogic for past several months know that I recently adopted an American Eskimo dog (Eskie), that I names Relay. He has been a wonderful blessing and is very enjoyable to have around (most of the time).

There one thing about Relay that confounds the daylights out of me. Somehow he knows or senses (within 5 minutes) when my cell phone alarm clock is about to go off in the morning and will jump on the bed and wake me.

I am fairly certain he was not born in Greenwich, England and no one has said his real name is Timex or Rolex, so I don’t quite know what to make of this knack he has of keeping time so accurately. Perhaps his bladder has a timer, or his stomach, but whatever it is, it’s amazingly accurate.

The only problem with his keen ability to sense my wake-up time is that it does not work on weekends or holidays. While I don’t mind being awakened at 6:15 a.m. instead of 6:20 am on my work days, I am not too thrilled about 6:15 am on Saturdays and Sundays when my goal is to sleep in as long as I can.

Here’s a weblink to another author’s story about the same topic.

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Adventures in new doggy daddyhood

Now that my adopted American Eskimo dog (Eskie) named Relay has been living with me for a few days, I thought I would list some heartwarming and humorous initial observations of his mannerisms.

• Relay’s boundless energy and love are quite inspiring – I just wish there was a way to bottle them.
• When there is snow on the ground, he moves forward with his nose plowing through the snow, clearing a path ahead and taking in every aroma the Earth has to offer.  ”Snowplow” would have been another good name for him.
• When it is really cold out (with or without windchill), it does not bother him in the least. In some ways it even seems to invigorate him with an added boost of Nordic energy.
• I love walking him after dark when there is less traffic and you can enjoy the sights and sounds of a mid-winter night. A very peaceful and enjoyable time to walk together.
• I cannot figure out why he easily notices every other human being or dog within intercontinental radar range, but never seems to noticed the deer crossing the road just a couple hundred yards ahead of us, even when I try to point them out.
• I am fairly certain my right arm is now two inches longer than the left.
• It is fascinating what he decides to (and not to) leave his scent mark upon.  So far, no scent marking on the fireplug, but he is now is King of every meager pile of snow within a mile of my apartment.
• Other dogs barking at him don’t bother him in the least, but those who don’t pay attention to him are briefly scolded by Relay for not doing so. Sort of a “hey, I’m here now, so take notice.”
• Wet, sloppy kisses are his forte.
• You definitely notice the difference between a 15 pound dog sitting on your lap and a 35-40 pound dog.
• Relay’s tiny white eyelashes that protect his eyes in cold, snowy weather are really, really fascinating. We cold-climate humans need to evolve more and get a pair of these – new cool and styling fashion statement.
• We will be walking nice and calmly, when all of a sudden it’s like someone announced a free dog food sale. Relay will take off for some unknown and unseen objective, which usually turns out to be a new place to leave his scent.
• I pity any rabbits, chipmunks, or squirrels who decide to stroll by the sliding glass door in my apartment. They are in for one rude awakening.
• When I get home, Relay enjoys bringing me a sock (or a single rolled pair of socks) – never chewed, just presented like a housewarming gift or trophy. It is very cute.
• I get a kick out of how he spins around in happy circles when we are preparing to go outside, though it makes it harder to put his leash on. But, it is an endearing quality that I would never want to change.
• Relay is so smart that I sometimes feel like I’m his pet.

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Happy Holidays to all from Progressive Blogic

Delilah under the Christmas tree this morning. Happy Holidays to all.

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Fun Friday – If wabbits wuled the world…

First Jack Russell Terriers, then cats and birds, and now rabbits. Enjoy!

• Elmer Fudd would be public enemy number one.
• Bugs Bunny would be knighted and made a saint.
• The Easter Bunny would supersede Santa Claus.
• Chocolate bunnies would be banned. Instead chocolate ducks would be eaten that resemble Daffy Duck.
• It would prove rabbit’s feet are lucky.
• The Playboy mansion would replace the White House  because that’s where the bunnies live.
• Multiplication would be the only math subject taught in school.
• “Hop to it”  would be the worldwide slogan.
• “What’s up Doc?” would be the universal greeting instead of “hello” or “hi.”
• Tortoises would be banned from all foot races.
• Carrots would be the primary dish for all meals.
• Only “Trix” could be given out at Halloween – no treats. (think about it – silly rabbit).
• They would probably do a better job than most of the bozos that are currently in office (and most that are running too).

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If birds ruled the planet

Here’s the third installment of a series of “what ifs.” Previous versions posts have dealt with Jack Russell Terriers and cats. Enjoy!

• Everyone would be all a twitter all the time.
• Tweety bird would be world leader and Larry Bird the prime minister.
• The term “bird-brain” would be a compliment.
• Flipping someone the bird would replace thumbs up as a positive gesture.
• There would be no such thing as a “non-fly zone.”
• Turkey would be the site of the world capital.
• The statue with the most bird poops left on it would win holiday decorating contests.
• Roast kitty stuffed with bird seed would be served at Thanksgiving.
• The Cat in the Hat  would be replaced by The Bird Dropped a Turd.
• Penguins, ostrich, and emu would be given free flying lessons.
• Frequent flyer programs would apply to migration too.
• Pillows or other products made from feathers or down would be prohibited.
• Snow birds would be required to prove their flight capability or change their nickname.
• Chickens would no longer have to cross the road for the sake of a dumb joke.
• All leftover funds for scientific research would be put into a worldwide program to determine which came first – the chicken or the egg.
• Just “winging-it” would be frowned upon.
• A cure for empty nest syndrome would be given high priority.
• Eagles, hawks, kingfishers, owls, cardinals, blue jays, and other birds displayed on coinage, stamps, team logos, and other items shall receive royalties.
• Meet the Fokker’s would have been called Meet the Flockers.
• There would be no pheasants kept under glass.

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A new benefit of muskrats

You heard it here first fellow swimming rodent fans — muskrats eat phragmites! Do not know what phragmites is. Below is a picture of a wetland overwhelmed by this plant species that is turning many wetlands into devastated monocultures.

According to the Phragmites Management Sourcebook submitted to Hudsonia,

“It has been stated or implied that Phragmites is little-used as food by native animals in North America (e.g., Marks et al. 1994). Rhizomes, culm bases, and young shoots of Phragmites are eaten by common muskrat and probably by American beaver. Phragmites marshes in the Hackensack Meadowlands often support substantial muskrat populations (Kiviat, pers. obs.). Young shoots are eaten by cottontail (Richard Casagrande, Yale University, pers. comm.).”

As the report notes, coming to the rescue are muskrats, as well as beavers and cottontail rabbits. Those lovable (to Eco-dude – me), furry, little marsh managers that pond owners often despise are a partial solution to a major environmental problem. Unfortunately, hunters like muskrats too, but maybe we need to rethink the hunting and varmint removal of muskrats considering the new benefits derived from them.

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Fun Friday – Animal quips – NSFW

Someone's dog tired!

Here are more than 75 fun quips all of us have probably heard now and then. An animal is used to describe an action, location, status, or mood. If you think of others, please pass appropriate ones along. Please note some of the quips listed border on appropriateness – very objectionable ones are not included.

• The dog days of summer.
• Dog-eared
• Dog tired
• My dogs (feet) are tired.
• Dog gone it
• It’s raining cats and dogs.
• Dog and pony show.
• Cat got your tongue.
• She’s a cougar.
• Deer in the headlights.
• Loosey goosey
• Their goose is cooked.
• Duck and cover
• Just plain ducky.
• Such an ugly duckling.
• As the crow flies.
• Being a pig (or hog)
• Don’t have a cow!
• A horse of a different color.
• Pony up.
• Quit horsing around.
• One horse town.
• Those zebras never get a call right.
• Multiplying like rabbits.
• A snail’s pace
• Fishing for compliments.
• Like a fish out of water.
• Bass ackwards
• Whale of a story.
• Why so crabby?
• You’re so chicken.
• Running around like a chicken with its head cutoff.
• What a bird brain.
• Madder than a wet hen.
• Crowing like a rooster.
• Smart as an owl.
• Eyes like an eagle.
• What a turkey!
• Jerky turkey from Albuquerque.
• Hawking items and goods.
• A hot chick.
• Moves as graceful as a swan.
• There’s a mole in this organization.
• Quit crowing about it.
• Dressed up like a penguin.
• What a bird brain
• Early bird gets the worm.
• Don’t try to worm your way out of it.
• Eager beaver
• Busy beaver
• What a fox!
• Got your goat.
• Silent as a lamb.
• They are quite sheepish about it.
• Quit being such an ass!
• What a dumb ass.
• Stubborn as a mule.
• They’re such a tiger.
• Put a tiger in your tank.
• An elephant never forgets.
• Quiet as a mouse.
• They’re such a dinosaur.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• They’re so squirrely.
• They’re such a skunk.
• Such a weasel.
• Frog in your throat?
• They’re such a toad.
• They are such a snake.
• Quit bugging me.
• Busy as a bee.
• Acting like you have ants in your pants.
• That ain’t cricket.
• See you later, alligator.
• In a while crocodile.
• Rats!
• Lounge lizard
• They were buffaloed.
• Quit playing possum.
• Quit monkeying around.

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If cats ruled the planet…

If cats ruled the planet:

• Everything would be purrrrrfect.

• Sandboxes would be required every 100 feet.

• There would be no national bird symbols – as they have all been devoured.

• All sports teams must be called Cats, Wildcats, Pumas, Cougars, Bengals, Cheetahs, Jaguars, Lions, Tigers, Catamounts, Leopards. Snow Leopards, Mountain Lions, or Panthers. No whimpy bird names are allowed.

• The Meow Mix theme song would be the worldwide anthem and will be played purrpetually. No other song may be played – ever!

• Tweety Bird would be public enemy number 1; Jerry and Mighty Mouse numbers 2 and 3; Pixie and Dixie numbers 4 and 5.

• Twitter would be renamed “Putty-tats” and tweets would become cat-a-logues.

• Humans and dogs would exist solely to serve cats.

• Catalonia would be the official site of the world capital.

• There would be no disasters, only catastrophes.

• The three national sports would be hairball spitting, catnip swatting, and mouse dissection.

• Sleep would be the daily and nightly pastime.

• Children would receive presents at Christmas from Santa Claws.

• Monuments would be erected in each major city honoring Top Cat, Mr. Jinx, Tom, Sylvester, Snagglepuss, Felix, and the correct half of Cat-Dog.

• The term “dead cat bounce” would be outlawed and changed to “overpaid moron on Wall Street bounce.”

• The “Stray cat strut” would be the worldwide dance.

• Ignoring others, smugness, and an aloof attitude will be compulsory subjects in school.

• Declawing shall be outlawed – they make it easier to get our point across to our, oh so loyal, subjects. This mean YOU!

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